Vampires are lame
Blood tastes bad
Before I get started on my vampire tirade, just know that I am not happy with the results of my First Step toward being President. However, the results are very consistent with my recent polls. More on this on another day.
Today at work, a conversation with Ben (the NERD Club XO) and Brad (the Nerd Club Wannabe) turned into a discussion on vampires. I couldn’t help but butt in and state how I loathe everything vampire.
I have something to tell all of the vampire fans out there:
THEY ARE NOT REAL
Also, they are the lamest Monster ever. Vampires are so snooty and elitist (like a Democrat). They are also very materialistic. There should also be more consistancy in Vampire folklore. Do they sleep in coffins? Do they sleep upside down? Can a wood stake in the heart really kill them? If they suck your blood, will you die or turn into a vampire? What is Goth? Why are vampires afraid of garlic? Where does there superhuman strength come from since most are very frail and skinny? Can they all change into bats? Do they pay taxes? Why do vampires hiss like snakes?
I think we need an international standard for vampires. I know that there is little consistency for all monsters, but vampires are the worst.
The entire genre bothers me as being overdone and boring. All vampire movies are similar. It seems like in every movie the vampires are plotting to destroy mankind and are on the verge of discovering a cure to the daylight problem.
Vampires seem to hang out with each other too much. I really think vampires have self-esteem issues. You never see a vampire living on his own and wishing people would just leave him alone. There is a very commune-like feeling when it comes to vampires. They are always working together to better the vampire cause.
Perhaps all of my hatred toward vampires is rooted in the fact that the vampire curse is spread from getting bitten. This is similar to rabies. I never want rabies. What a miserable disease. The conversion from human to vampire is very similar to full blown rabies. Both have an incubation period. You feel ill, you convulse and then you start seeing the people you love as your next meal (like a zombie, also caused by a bite).
(If there were vampires out there, they should take over the Red Cross. With all of those feel-good-about-yourself blood drives, the vampires could secure their food source for eternity).
November 12th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Well, looks like you just lost the Vampire voting block for 2012. Way to go genius…
November 13th, 2008 at 5:40 am
Well at least you answered another question for me. Vampires do vote. But come on now. We both know they would never vote for me regardless of what I thought about them. I am very anti-giving blood.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:45 am
And now you just lost the doctors, nurses, and EMT votes, too–not to mention the people that actually need transfusions.
Perhaps it's time to consider a political consultant to parse and spin all your words before you post. I'm just not convinced you've fully embraced the idea of being a politician.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:58 am
IntenseDebate Notification <DIV dir=ltr align=left>I'm a new-age-typepolitician. A politician who is not afraid of confronting politically incorrect issues or stating how I really feel! Is it wrong to admit things that everyone else is secretly thinking? </DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left></DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left>For example:</DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left>I DO NOT RECYCLE!</DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left></DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left>There I said it! Will this ruin my political future? Perhaps. But at least I can admit it to the world. (also no one reads this blog, so it really will not hurt my 0% politicalchances)</DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left></DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left>Also, you are forgetting all of the votes I am gaining! Surely the werewolves and mummys are now for me! In fact, one could make the argument that all other Monsters are for me since someone finally said what all the other Monsters have been secretly thinking, but afraid to say because of the fear of vampire wrath! Vampires think they are so great and wonderful and never acknowledge the merit that other Monsters have. </DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left></DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left>All non-vampire monsters out there: I FEEL YOUR PAIN!</DIV>
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January 7th, 2009 at 3:00 am
Yes, I suppose one should not underestimate the benefit of courting the werewolf constituency. After all, that potentially gives you Michael J. Fox and Justin Bateman as supporters, given their standout advocacy for the werewolf cause in their heart-felt cinematic portrayals.
Before signing off, I should point out to those one of your other readers, just look how consistent he is: his no-blood-giving policy is completely consistent with his no-recycling policy. I'm sure it takes more energy and resources to recycle blood than to just have your bones manufacture new blood.
October 31st, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Right on dude. Vampires are nonsense and it really bugs me how they are portrayed as being a desirable thing to be. Hullo! Being a vampire would totally suck. Yeah, immortality, immortality without a burger is hell. Also, you have to kill people to survive and besides Vampires are horribly unrealistic and statistically impossible. If every vampire needs to feed every day, there wouldn't be any people left to feed on after about 10 years, the vampires would starve.
And what about those twilight vampires. Vampires in themselves are already ridiculous, but these ones take the cake. Why would an immortal go to high school, especially an immortal that burns in sunlight (newsflash : school is in the morning to afternoon hours). Then why would he fall in love with his potential meal? It's like the hamburglar falling in love with a BigMac. Twilight has plothols bigger than the eye of frakkin' Jupiter.
July 15th, 2010 at 9:07 pm
Don't be a hatah of the blood-sucking minority. We all have to learn to embrace each other's differences.
Plus, Edward and Jacob and really, really, REALLY hot, so bite it.